Reflection on Church Community and Intimate Partner Violence

Trigger warning: please note that this sermon mentions intimate partner violence and domestic abuse.

When starting in a new job, settling into a neighbourhood or town, hanging out with a new group of people, you can learn a lot about them by the stories they choose to share right away. It is the same when a pastor begins ministry in a parish. Over the past few weeks, two stories have been floating around in my memory, both are stories that I heard in the first two weeks of being a pastor in my first call. The stories are two that I heard from more than one person.  

The first story was told to me during a tour of the area pointing out parishioner’s homes, people who needed visits, places to be careful, and so on. The story at one house was of a remaining family member who lived in a house where a relative had committed a murder suicide.

The second story was of a former Anglican priest who took care of the people in his charge. On one occasion he arranged to secret a woman and her children from a volatile domestic violence situation and safely took them to a shelter that was a few hours away.

These memories have been on my mind because of the 6 deaths due to intimate partner violence that have happened in NS in the past 3 months.

I wonder why I was told the two stories right away, when arriving in my first parish. Was it because I was a female pastor? Did the community feel safe in telling me? Or was it for my own safety? Was I being tested to see if I would listen, would I stay, could I be trusted?

Was I being told because people knew of present and immediate instances and concerns of intimate partner violence or domestic abuse? Would I be an ally? Would I be able to help?

 

The stories were told to me by women, not as gossip, but in earnest tone, conveying the information was important. It was important so that I could understand the individuals and families that had been involved. It was important because both events affected the whole community and the women in particular.

I realize I was being told the stories of intimate partner violence and domestic abuse because the women were telling me that such events happened in their community, they noticed, they cared, and as I built relationships with the women, I quickly learned that they supported those in difficult circumstances to the best of their abilities and wanted to include me in the support system.

 

The scripture from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians comes to life for me in the actions of the women living out their faith. Paul writes that the Spirt of God works through a variety of gifts, a variety of services, and a variety of activities. Every person – that includes you-  has been gifted so that their life can be a manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. The variety of gifts, ways to serve, and participation in activities, all create an increase in Wisdom, faith, healing, and so on.

 

The women lived out their faith of noticing, caring, and supporting – women experiencing intimate partner violence and children suffering domestic abuse- from many directions. The gift of listening, at the top of the list as listed by survivors, I will talk about in a moment. The other work of the church women – services and activities- had a common thread, relieving as much stress as possible from individual households. The more stress in a system, the great the risk of desperation and an increase of violence. For the women, it was scripture-based faith work, relieving stress was feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, taking care of the widow…

The gift of faith was lived out in sharing preserves and baking, homegrown produce or fresh caught fish left on doorsteps. It was remembering birthdays, marking children’s graduations, and such with cards so you could slip in a gift card or money. It was hosting meals at the church with phoned invitations by men to the man of the household to come for the meal with their family (of course extra food was tactfully sent home with families). It was the church having or finding odd jobs at the church, or individual’s homes, for the man to gain confidence, skills, or have extra cash; or for the woman to have a few extra dollars to hide away should she decide to leave the abusive situation. It was having access to the church basement where kids could hide out, where notes could be left and exchanged; where a phone could be accessed in an emergency. Faith was lived out in women’s Bible studies where -no matter what time of day or night there was lunch served so there was time for a freedom to talk and others to listen. It was lived out by the men supporting the work of the women and participating by making deliveries, finding work or other reasons to interact with the abusers. Faith was lived out by the church opening their doors to anonymous and Al-anon groups.

 

In Corinth, Christian community was called together in specific place, a place that was in a context where culture and society paid no attention to Christ. Paul called the Christian community to pay attention to their identity in Christ and what that meant for their daily living in the world.  The Corinthian church community, needed to align their focus. They spent much of their energy in internal conflict, the mistreating of each other, nit-picking, and arguing. Paul’s letter encouraged individuals in the community to change their focus to what they could do together for the common good. Christian communities were encouraged to notice, care, and support others - examples in scripture from the early church where equivalent to food banks, sharing of resources, freeing of slaves, paying of servants, care of the widow and orphan, visiting of the prisoner --- in today’s context that translates to advocating for living wages, affordable and appropriate housing, and food security.

 

A healthy Christian community is one of a variety of gifts, services, and activities given and created through one Spirit. As we have been actively working on transforming church property, talking about this building, another building, it is important to hear Paul’s reminder of God’s big vision that compels communities to create space and an atmosphere with a focus on the common good for the societal context in which they live.

Earlier I said I would come back to listening – one of the gifts given by the Spirit- and a gift we can learn as individuals and as a community to help those living in intimate partner violence or domestic abuse.

The kindom of God is real in a moment of open conversation: sitting with each other, listening – listening that believes what the other is saying and responds without pressure or judgement, and responding “thank you for sharing, I believe you. It is not your fault.” Author and leadership guru, Brene Brown, describes listening this way, “In order to empathize with someone’s experience, you must be willing to believe them as they see it and not how you imagine their experience to be.” With practice we can do this. In addition, if one is willing to offer help by asking “how may I help you?’ Let the person telling their story guide what ‘helping’ might be – and if you offer to help, follow through. Listening is support and listening is a big gift on its own. And once you have listened, keep checking in!

 

When I listen to Paul's letters - What I appreciate is his continued faith and hope in God’s big vision, God’s dream of kindom. He continued to encourage Christian community that it is possible to live out God’s kindom through Christ centred community. The communities Paul wrote to were both faithful and messed up and yet he still had hope and believed in the power of the Holy Spirit to work through human hearts and hands, forming gracious, redeemed, creative, vibrant, loving, and justice filled communities regardless of the surrounding society. When we hear letters of Paul to specific communities, we are reminded of all of Paul’s letters and the core message – regardless of how we are messed up, regardless of the society surrounding us and how messed up it is– faithful living as a community of Christ followers is essential, and God’s purpose for us, is to live and bring the kindom into the context in which we live. As a community we have a variety of gifts, services, and activities, that can be applied to daily living and to addressing intimate partner violence and domestic abuse –

let us use our gifts to the glory of God and  for the healing of the whole world. Amen.